Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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