I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
