did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
