Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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