yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
