It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Is it penis luge time yet?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
