put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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