Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
