I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
