So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize