Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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