I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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