I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
