We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
