Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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