woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
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