I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
