I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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