he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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