I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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