I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
