I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dignity is for republicans.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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