i used baking grease as lip gloss
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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