But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We talked him into tasing himself.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
