Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
