I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
