I wish life had little blips of pornography
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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