This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
