hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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