It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Do you have feelings for this penis?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
