i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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