Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
