I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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