I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
