I understand Curling. That high.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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