More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Are my feet made of real feet?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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