She announced her abortion via fbk
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
