tell your sister to shave her snatch
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
