did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
