Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
