Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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