She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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