My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
