MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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