Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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