I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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