Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
