I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
