twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
