i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
