My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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