and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
