They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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