Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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