Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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