remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
