Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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