Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
