oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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