Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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