Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
